There’s an unwritten rule followed by nearly all city dwellers—never make eye contact. If you attempt to do so, your glance will be met with utter disregard. You do not exist, other than being an object to avoid. I learned this the hard way. Upon moving to San Francisco from Minnesota—the friendliest of all possible places—I would attempt to make eye contact with strangers on the street out of courtesy. In Minnesota, this is commonplace. There, my glances were often met with a polite smile or a courteous “hello.” In San Francisco—even on streets that were anything but crowded—they were ignored with complete indifference.
Imagine, then, my surprise when I learned of San Francisco’s reputation as a friendly city. If San Francisco is considered friendly, I thought, then I’m steering clear of New York. I mused that such indifference to others must be an artifact of city life. That’s not to say there aren’t friendly people there—it’s true that San Franciscans are a generally genial bunch once you get them off the sidewalk, as are the New Yorkers I’ve met and nearly every other person from a big city. But when I’m in a small town, things sure do feel different. Walking down the street is no longer a sterile affair. It’s no family reunion, but it is degrees warmer than in cities. Still, my own experiences weren’t enough to convince me that this could be a universal trend.
Luckily, my hunch was proved correct the other day by a study which compared the rates of eye contact among people in central Philadelphia, suburban Bryn Mawr, and rural Parkesburg. The study’s authors parked two college students—a guy and a girl—outside a post office and a store in each location for two hours. The students counted the number of people who made eye contact and if anyone said “hello,” “how are you,” or the like. Lo and behold, rural Parkesburg held true to the small town stereotype. Between 70 and 80 percent of passersby glanced at the stationary students in the Parkesburg, while just 10 to 20 percent did in Philadelphia. Bryn Mawr’s pedestrians fell predictably in the middle, with around 40 to 50 percent making eye contact.
The rural types were also much more likely to say something to the strangers. One quarter of people in Parkesburg opened their mouths in greeting, while just three percent did for Bryn Mawr and Philadelphia combined. (The city center was by far the least friendly—only one person said something to each person at both the post office and the store.) In addition, everyone who did say something did make eye contact.
The study’s authors contemplated a few possible explanations for why the city dwellers were so hesitant to make eye contact. They favored the sensory overload hypothesis—that people in big cities are surrounded by too many people, noises, and other distractions—though they also speculated that city folk may fear strangers more or that small town people may be more curious about strangers. They also touched on the idea that city people are more hurried than either suburban or small town people. This notion has been covered both before and since by a number of different researchers. In general, people in larger cities do tend to walk faster, so there may be some truth to this.
Whatever the reason, I admit I exhaled a slight sigh of relief when I discovered that science confirmed my suspicions. San Franciscans, New Yorkers, Londoners—no matter how friendly they are underneath, suffer the same aversion to eye contact as other big cities. Small towns do feel friendlier.
Sources:
Newman, J., & McCauley, C. (1977). Eye Contact with Strangers in City, Suburb, and Small Town Environment and Behavior, 9 (4), 547-558 DOI: 10.1177/001391657794006
Bornstein, M., & Bornstein, H. (1976). The pace of life Nature, 259 (5544), 557-559 DOI: 10.1038/259557a0
Bornstein, M. (1979). The Pace of Life: Revisited International Journal of Psychology, 14 (1), 83-90 DOI: 10.1080/00207597908246715
Wirtz, P., & Ries, G. (1992). The Pace of Life – Reanalysed: Why Does Walking Speed of Pedestrians Correlate With City Size? Behaviour, 123 (1), 77-83 DOI: 10.1163/156853992X00129
Photo by Susan NYC.
A friend from West Bend (who I won’t name here for her sake) was accused of being a *huge* flirt when she went to college in an East Coast city. Apparently, people thought she was flirting because she smiled and said “hi” to everyone she passed, when in her mind, she was just being polite.
Amazing. I’ll keep that in mind if I move out there.
Ha, that is great! I do think there is a difference when women smile and make eye contact over men. When men do it we assume they are being a gentlemen. When women do it then they must be flirting! In L.A I do tend to put my head down when walking by a man!
That seems to be ture with most women in all situations!
In India(Southern) it is actually the other way. When women smile and say ‘Hi’ to men that is considered a friendly gesture but when men do the same to women it is considered as flirting 😦
Have any of those researchers discussed the possibility that verbal acknowledgement of a passerby might make a person feel like they should extend the same greeting to everyone they see? By this, I mean to point out that people may choose avoidance of everyone over the monumental task of acknowledging everyone when in a crowded city. Based on my own tendencies, it seems quite possible that the exact same people are more likely to briefly greet others in a rural environment than in a city, simply because spreading the friendliness equally among others is so much easier.
Not that I saw, though that’s an interesting idea. The study in Pennsylvania specifically instructed the college students trying to make eye contact not to initiate any verbal greeting. The idea was to see if the other people would do it first.
I grew up in a town of 2000 people, went to a college in a town of 100,000, and worked in DC for a summer. I agree with this comment. I think it is more the location, not the people, that control this. In a town of 2000, you know everyone, so it is rude to avoid eye contact and so we follow suit with strangers. Even in the town of 100,000, I make eye contact with and smile to strangers when walking on the sidewalk. However, my face would begin to hurt if I smiled to every single person I pass while walking down the street in DC.
I would agree with that too. I come from a big city in India, currently studying in Canada. I never used to greet or smile to strangers back home whereas here I do that quite often.
I’d be interested in gender- or ethnicity-based differences the two college students came across. As a female, I tend not to initiate contact with strangers since, more often than I’d like, males take it as an opportunity to hit on me. And as an Asian, I find eye contact in certain small towns to be more territorial than polite. Not across the board, mind you, but there’s a definite coldness that is unassuaged by a “hello” or “excuse me.”
Interesting finds overall, though!
Ha! That’s precisely the reason why I’m afraid to smile at females – they’ll think I’m hitting on them!
Living in Los Angeles, I so appreciate this post. There is a cliche that “nobody walks in L.A.,” based on the pop song. Most people are in cars, with their windows up, air conditioning on, and radio cranked full volume. There is so little eye contact happening.
Also, I love to walk and often take walks around my neighborhood with my dog. People often feel more comfortable talking to my dog and saying how “cute” he is, rather than saying hello to me. Humans are fascinating!
That’s changing. Especially with the huge bicycle movements and expanding metros here. I myself take the Redline around L.A.
I recently moved from Los Angeles and the whole “people often feel more comfortable talking to my dog…” is very true. I am an avid animal lover and often found even my admiration of their animal put off some people. But I often thought if I were in the reverse position I would have a more outgoing and warm reaction to someone who wanted to interact with my pet.
I do have to say that even though the avoidance discussed here is a by-product of city living I do think it has a far more damaging affect. I think that many people use it as an excuse to be anti-social and can even breed hostility towards others for invading their personal space.
And in my opinion, after growing up in small town Pennsylvania, living in Boston for 4 years and Los Angeles for 6 I found San Franciscans to be unbelievably rude! I was actually quite shocked at how disrespectful people where when I visited a friend for a week .
I would have to agree with you. I have met wonderful, kind folks in major cities, but the immediate, on-the-street greeting was nonexistent. As a Tennessee girl, my first few weeks in California left me feeling like a total pariah.
Honestly, I kinda think it has a little to do with cell phones and texting. People are beginning to lose all their social skills.
Eh, I was shocked by how many people say “hi” on the street in New Orleans when I moved there; but whether 500K people is considered a city is another story….
I find that far fewer people give me the ‘wow, she’s weird’ look when i say good morning or hello when i’m walking the dog. However, enough people smile in return that I keep up the smiles and eyecontact and sometimes-greetings even when i don’t have leash-in-hand.
The “dogs make people at ease” theme is pretty interesting. Anyone have any pet theories as to why? I’d be curious to hear them, especially if you think it’s more effective in a big city vs. a small town or vice versa. (Though you’ll probably run into fewer people walking a dog in a small town, so it would have to be weighted against that.)
I most definitely have more on the street people talk to me when I have my dog with me, though I think some of that has to do with the time that I walk him – it’s early morning (say 5am ish) so the only other people out and about are other dog walkers and walkers in generally.
Also, I live in Australia, and live on the Gold Coast. It may be a ‘city’ but it’s very friendly. Everyone says hello 🙂 unlike Brisbane where very few people do ><
Great post. But I do think San Fran is friendly, fun and cool. It’s just a bit of an indifference on the West Coast. And if you live in the south where everyone wants to chat, you miss that sometimes!
I am from a small town in Northwest Georgia, so for me it is the same way. When you see people in public, even if you don’t know them, you make eye contact and smile or go as far as saying hello. When I went to New York for my first time when I was 12 I was so afraid to find that no one looks at anyone. And they definitely walk faster then we do in Georgia. Maybe sensory overload is the case, but it’s nice to feel connected in small towns.
[…] Keep your eyes to yourself By Tim De Chant […]
I imagine there are some cultural differences between, say, New Orleans and San Francisco, even though they’re roughly the same size. In general the study confirms my own experience in various parts of the western U.S., but a gender breakdown would be interesting to see. The sensory aspect is surely part of the cause, but I also wonder about the role played by scarcity: where people are fewer, interaction with others is harder to come by and therefore more sought after.
I know that some people prefer the relative anonymity that comes with life in a big city, but I’ll take small(er) town nosiness any day. Great post.
I was verbally abused and threatened to be killed once in London, after looking in somebody’s eyes while on the Tube… I was shocked after moving to Illinois when I found out that people were used to say “Hi!” to strangers.
Very interesting post!
I experienced something similar when I moved to Seattle from Marquette, MI (in the U.P.). Small town people are just more slow moving and there are less panhandlers and people seem less anxious. I quickly learned that anyone in Seattle who talks to me and/or approaches me wants one or more of the following things 1.)money; 2.)to sell me something; 3.) directions; 4.) my signature; or 5.) 20 cents a day to help feed hungry children/stop animal abuse/save the environment. I usually know what they’re going to say by quickly stereotyping or looking to see if there’s a binder in their hand. To avoid all of those things happening to me on my quick one hour lunch break, I avoid eye contact with anyone who says or tries to say something to me. To lessen this possibility, I almost always have earbuds in, with or without music playing.
However, when I’m not in a hurry and not downtown, I will almost always smile at people at the bare minimum. I guess it’s just knowing your environment and whether or not you want to risk being harassed.
My experience living in London the past three months has 100% confirmed this as well. Smiling at people and saying hello is one of the things I’m looking forward to most about returning to Cleveland/Pittsburgh next month (that, and pancakes!). Very interesting post!
I live in a small town in Oregon. It is known for being unfriendly. My sister lives in Minneapolis. Every time I visit, the locals are so friendly I don’t want to leave. I’m sure the science is true, but in my experience, Minnesota out-friendlies even the small towns.
I couldn’t agree more.
The best thing to do when your in a big city is not talk to strangers or get involved,that is just the way it is.
spending time in Paris, France I can confrim this is correct. Man they don’t make eye contact EVER!
I live the Bay Area and when I visited Phoenix I felt like I had entered a whole other universes. People smiled at the me in parking lots! At first I gave them a look of disgust but than I realized I was the crazy one and people were just being friendly. Now every time I visit I say Hi to everyone.
It’s a sad truth that we need to break. I’m in men’s ministry and the hardest thing about sharing the Gospel in the city is making the initial contact. People, let’s try being friendly, most of you are pretty interesting, if you’ll pause log enough to find out.
heh, i’m a southern girl who’s been living in colorado for awhile, almost three years. being so accustomed to not being greeted by strangers, it came as a pleasant shock when i visited mississippi for a campus tour. EVERYBODY said ‘hello’ to EVERYBODY! yes, even the garbage men who were riding their trucks waved and said, ‘how y’all doin’ today?’ as they drove by. it made the place a whole lot more cheery, welcoming, and happy.
and now i’m going to college there this fall. :}
Interesting post, interesting comments. I grew up in a small town (35,000 or so), where you know practically everyone you see on the street, so a “hello” is obvious. I then moved to and worked downtown in a comparitvely big city in Southern California (1.2 million) where you pretty much never know the people you see on the street.
Still, I’ve found that the sidewalks are pretty friendly places here. People generally at least acknowledge fellow passers-by with a smile, and if not in conversation with someone else, a hello.
I totally agree with corzgalore’s comment regarding cell phones. Nothing says “please don’t talk to me and I don’t want to talk to you” like texting while walking down the street. In our quest to be more social via technology, we’re becoming increasingly anti-social in real life.
Save the Eye Contact
It’s worse now it used to be only New York City was like that. Now that the hive is taking all their cues and marching orders from cell phones (programmed by Corporations) your considered weird and strange if you do attempt to make eye contact with someone.
I’ve lived in Minnesota all my life, just moved to Florida recently. One thing I am ecstatic about here is that I don’t get eye contact much with people. Now let me explain: people here are friendly in their own way here in Florida, but you don’t get the blatant STARES that I grew so familiar with in small town Minnesota. I get the feeling that small towners anywhere are just plain ol’ curious. Yet the stares do have a strong tendency, especially if you are of another ethnicity than the majority like me, to come off as being very rude and often, uninviting.
I don’t think it’s necessarily a matter of friendliness. I lived in Tokyo for quite some time and this same sort of thing occurred. Perhaps even more extreme! I can’t begin to say how many times I saw people in distress (either they had tripped and fallen, or dropped a bag of groceries) and not only would no one look at them, they would walk right by them without even offered to help. Of course, there’s a complex culture of shame in Japan that plays a part of it.
I think when you put any creature in a population density like big cities, not making eye contact is a way of surviving with your sanity. It’s a way to stay relatively private in a place where you’re making contact with strangers every second. Can you imagine how exhausting it would be to say hello to every single stranger you met in San Fran, knowing you probably would never bump into them again? And of course, it’s a matter of perspective…big city folks might find their experiences in small towns as prying or invasive.
PS. Nice photograph to accompany the story.
Thanks! I wish I could claim credit.
And yes, there is definitely a difference between a friendly glance and a long stare.
I think Luc Duval & unknownsender hit the nail on the head- it’s too much “hello-ing” in a big city if you’re used to greeting everyone you pass by. And if you do make eye contact, then Tag- you’re it by the people wanting something from you (i’m sorry, that goes to the gospel guy too).
I have no problem giving eye contact/smile/hello to a stranger if I’ve assessed the “threat level” as minimal, big city or not- it just depends on the situation.
Stefania- I think your situation is not the norm, but you had the bad luck to look into the eyes of a crazy person 😉
They avoid eye contact because it is polite to leave people alone. At least that’s why I do it. And I live in a rather rural area. My city has under 100,000 people. And I think it would be fair to say that we avoid eye contact. If it happens we are likely to nob or smile. But we rarely say anything. That would be intrusive — and rude.
Not that we encounter one another on the street much.
Crystal
I do think density ups the stress level, as well as the tendancy to mistrust. And, as others have pointed out, avoiding eye contact is a way to maintain privacy. And sometimes, people are so engrossed in texting or talking on their cells, they don’t even look up when they cross the street.
I moved here from Southern California and also noticed this. Where I used to live, people actually liked being looked at, so I thought it was corny when I first moved out here. Still do, but just more used to it now. I don’t think it’s a big deal to make eye contact. Some take it too seriously- to each his own
Does South Dakota received friendly credit for neighboring Minnesota? 🙂 Actually, this is the first I have ever heard of Minn being a super friendly place. Interesting!
That’s very interesting to know! I would have to go with the fact that city dwellers are more leery of others. Coming from a small town as well, I would normally be nice and make contact but now that I’ve lived in Los Angeles for over 8 years when people try to make eye contact with me it weirds me out. I wonder if they want something from me. What if they’re a serial killer?!
I live in L.A., and this certainly isn’t a friendly city. Really, I’m not sure I want to be friendly with most of the people here. And, kudos for citing your sources. Very rare.
Thanks, James. I’m an ecologist by training, so I guess citing sources is in my blood.
I live in a city of between 10 and 20 thousand people. Generally speaking, eye contact is associated with trust. I’m 17, and I’m comfortable making eye contact, and even saying hello with most people in that age group. However, people who have less reason to trust me, parents with young children who think I might be a juvenile delinquent, young girls, etc, are less likely to acknowledge me than other groups of people.
The Eyes have it: I was born and raised in the country and that meant community and meant politeness. Everybody spoke. Small towns are like that.
Moving to New York after H.S. I discovered a whole new world. Communities are far and in-between. Stare too long, somebody misinterprets as gawking or flirting. I learned and as a hybrid of both worlds, I know who to initiate any type of ‘friendly,’ to. City life means living cautious. That’s the way it is. And know a days, folk have a lot on their mines.
Thanks for the research! There is a variance between city and rural ‘polite,’ rules.
I enjoyed the read.
revise: The Eyes have it: I was born and raised in the country and that meant community and community meant politeness. Everybody spoke. Small towns are like that.
Moving to New York after H.S. I discovered a whole new world. Communities are far and in-between. Stare too long, somebody misinterprets as gawking or flirting. I learned and as a hybrid of both worlds, I know who to initiate any type of ‘friendly,’ to. City life means living cautious. That’s the way it is. And know a days, folk have a lot on their mines.
Thanks for the research! There is a variance between city and rural ‘polite,’ rules.
I enjoyed the read.
Thanks, Myra. I enjoy writing researching these posts as well as writing them. I almost always discover something unexpected.
I was surprised you refenced Philadelphia, that’s where I was born and raised. It’s true we are not big on eye contact for a couple different reasons. I don’t think we are an unfriendly city. Just like any heavily populated city you have to move with purpose. Time is money so we have to keep it moving.
revise: The Eyes have it: I was born and raised in the country and that meant community and community meant politeness. Everybody spoke. Small towns are like that.
More blogs should be as well written as this post.
Thanks, Scott. Very nice of you to say that.
I’ve always found this phenomenon interesting. I’ve lived in a large city for most of my life, and the ‘no eye contact’ policy absolutely holds true. Although, while off the streets in that same city, I’ve found that it drops off. For example, people are absolutely more apt (in my experience) to make eye contact while in an imagined community, such as a book store, coffee shop, or hospital. Perhaps this comes from the idea that all persons in that ‘community’ are there for a similar goal. Perhaps its as simple as being in a less populated area, even for a short time.
I can tell you my reason for refraining from eye contact while walking in the street or in the subway – unfortunately it’s a matter of personal safety. You don’t want to seem to friendly else the ‘wrong’ person begins to follow you. It’s rare, but it does happen. So most find it best to bury their head in a book or avert their eyes.
Cheers – OPR
Interestingly enough, this happens all the time at University too. Students rarely make eye contact with other students while on campus… as soon as you draw close to someone, you inadvertently look away – sigh.
I live in the Philly suburbs and can attest to this. However, once I went to Kansas City, MO, and I have to say, I’ve never met more friendly people.
Very interesting study. I suppose rual people are more used to knowing who most of the people around them are. The sensory overload theory makes great sense for big cities. If there are 4 people on the street, you can greet all of them. If there’s 50, probably not.
Thats a really cool study! I think it holds true, but I have been to the west coast and I have noticed that everyone is more friendly on the westcoast then on the eastcoast.
Nice post 🙂
you know that indonesian people is welcome for anyone as long as adopt their attitude-dont do anything that forbidden for local people. if we respect that traditions, wherever we go, they will smile and they want do anything what we want and sometime without charge-free.
Being from NY I can tell you, lesson #1 from my Dad when I was visiting the “city” was “no eye contact”. people would just think you are either
a) psycho
b) selling something
c) trying to start a fight
It just wasn’t worth it!
Nice research! I don’t think it happens only in the big city. I live in a small city at the other part of the world but had through the same experience.
People used to greet others, saying ‘Hello..’, now you can count how many of us still doing so.
Yes, the city is developed, modern and bigger, but it doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly to other fellows?! 🙂
In China, making eye contact is very important because it is a way of showing your respect to others.Otherwise, in some place it is rude to stare at others.Maybe it is hard to judge whether it is good or bad.
I’ve lived in NYC for over 6 yrs. I was raised in a small town/suburb far from NYC. I learned quickly that eye contact as a female to anyone is an invitation for sexual advances…often from very desperate people. Just a completely different culture of what’s “friendly” or not, IMO. If you just politely interrupted, and asked a question or compliment them, the friendliness is there! When you pass by literally hundreds of people a day – you don’t have the time or energy to say hi and make eye contact with EVERYONE. Gotta be picky!! You just gotta know the culture – and not make the incorrect assumption that eye contact = being friendly.
In the big city streets, yes eyes are averted or you are scanning for possible trouble. Gotta get from point A to point B and don’t hassle me. But once you are off the street, in stores or what have you, the demeanor changes and people are freer to make eye contact, say hello, crack a joke, give opinions or even help you out.
Nice read and congrats on being FP!
I found the exact same thing. When I moved from a small town in North Dakota to a large city in Texas I thought it very odd how people would simply ignore their fellow city dwellers.
Like you I was accustomed to the fact that when you made eye contact with someone you either smiled or said a hello, or at least acknowledged them.
I try to still acknowledge someone I make eye contact with…its simply sad to think we’ve come to a point in our society where we ignore those we share a community with.
I grew up in New York City (a city I love). The reason people don’t make eye contact is because if you’re a woman, a man might think you’re trying to pick him up(for sexual favors). Also, if you make eye contact with someone else, the person might turn out to be a crazy. That crazy person might not leave you along afterwards when he sees you and remembers you said hello to him/her. It’s better not to stare and not to see anyone.
Correction to my post: along should be “alone.”
I’ve been living in Central NJ for years and people can be friendly to an extent or nasty rude. NJ in my experience is full of uncertainty among strangers so many people unfortunately pass it on to others. Including their children….
I completely understand what you are talking about. I live in a big city and while i walk down the street, i hardly speak to anyone. I cannot even tell you the names of the people that live next door. I recently went down south to a small town in Kentucky. The people were so friendly and nice! i was shocked at the number of people that said hello to me while i was shopping. The difference is amazing.
I enjoyed your writing.
I have lived mostly in suburbs, but I love, visit, and have lived in some larger cities. My opinion is that people tend to avoid eye contact for a combination of reasons, most – if not all- of which have already been mentioned.
I, for one, will avoid eye contact because not everyone is nice. It’s better to avoid pissing somebody off, attracting attention from the wrong person, or risking being taken advantage of. So, yes, there is the element of general distrust in strangers.
Second, there is the fact that there are so many people that, really, you don’t have to be nice to everyone because it would be quite exhausting.
Lastly, in big cities people do tend to be more wrapped up in their own world, if maybe out of a need to escape from everything else that’s going on around them. I know in Miami, people can be a little self-centric (understatement).
An exception to the big city eye aversion rule might be Montreal. As a New Yorker I was very surprised by how much eye contact pedestrians made. I actually found it a little unnerving. I thought it was a Canadian thing, or that New Yorkers were unique in avoiding eye contact and interaction. I wonder how Montrealers would rate in a similar study.
Haha… I love this, and you are so spot on! I live in Sydney, and can attest to the fact that city-slickers have some serious issues with eyeballing each other (myself included!). Public transport is the worst! And the best to realise how awkward humans can be. I love that awkward moment when you’re sitting on a train and someone catches you staring at them or vis versa and you have to do the quick look-away. Hilarious! great post.
It’s tough for us people persons who want to make eye contact NOT to make eye contact. However, my manager Mr. Bricks has a lazy eye so its easier for him to abide by the no contact rule.
Great Post and congrats on being Freshly Pressed.
Blessings,
Ava
xox
Ah, appreciation for this. Yes. I was born and raised in small-town Minnesota (pop. under 700). I have traveled to a few other places, and I don’t want to sound biased, but there really is a thing called Minnesota-nice. But really, it’s about genuine, real people who aren’t afraid to share their happiness, no matter where you are. A smile could make someones day.
Someone mentioned greetings and waves and smiles in Mississippi from absolutely everyone to everyone. I will second that. I have never been there but I have family in a coastal area of Mississippi, and they have said as much. They found it strange while visiting in California, being given odd looks for their openness and being criticized for their courtesies (opening doors).
I would love to see a similar study comparing greeting behavior on the street and on the trail. While I agree with the commenters that the primary reason city-dwellers avoid greeting each other is the impracticality of saying “hello” a billion times, it would be cool to try to choose streets and trails with similar amounts of traffic and compare. Personally, I TOTALLY avoid any and all contact with other humans in urban environments, but on the trail I consider it good etiquette to say hi unless the other person is in the middle of a conversation or obviously avoiding eye contact.
I have been to many small towns in the mid-west and have always thought the people were very friendly. You can go to “Main St.” of just about any small town, sit down at the local diner, and before you know it, someone will have made conversation with you to some degree in a friendly manner. This is the reason I like making day trips to small towns.
I’ve been in big cities, too. …Chicago, Dallas, L.A. But if I’m going to a big city, it’s not to make friends anyway. It’s usually to shop, eat out, take in an event, etc.
Am a city girl.
I really don’t feel any necessity of making eye contacts with other people. I just want to be minding my own business!
Yes, sad but true… I live in London, where, people do not look at each other, talk to strangers, nor make friends easily…I think it is more of a self-defence mechanisim here… you never know what you’re gonna get so better to avoid it altogether…lol. LOVE your blog by the way!
Thats a really cool study! I think it holds true, but I have been to the west coast
I enjoy this artical,thanks for your sharing.
I have mostly lived in suburbs which is a middle ground between the eye contact + verbal greeting vs. lack of eye contact. But I lived in a city apartment for two years but I noticed when foreign people stayed they said hello but locals avoid it. I also visited my dad at his country practice sometimes and there the population was more friendly.
Hello there! 🙂
Sometimes I think it could actually be out of politeness that people don’t try to engage eye contact with others, maybe to respect each others’ privacy. Especially when confined in a place like the metro. Are there so many people who enjoy their daily commute? How many take a book, an iPod or whatever, to be in their own world and try to recover some kind of intimacy? On the street, I have the same feeling. Having someone looking at you with a smile or a hello often makes you wonder: “why?!”, while you cautiously give your “hello” back. Especially when you’re a girl … So, I think there is an agreed protocol that people might as well prefer not to engage in any way with anyone.
It doesn’t make it a good thing though because in the end, it is nice to give and receive frank and honest smiling hellos during your day as a very natural human thing.
Have a good day!
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i find it really different when i go to london how people dont make eye contact. its really weird. insightful post
Love your post! List of references – you are awesome!
What I have noticed in big cities and small towns alike, if you make an eye contact with a homeless person, and smile at them, they usually smile back, often times say something like “God bless you!”, “Have a good day!” or something like that. There is no correlation to money! Maybe they smile hoping to receive something, but I dare to argue otherwise. The smiles and blessings are too genuine!
Thanks for the great post.
When I moved to Chicago from Austin, Texas in my early 20’s, I mosied down Michigan Avenue, wandering (slowly) and looking at the buildings. I gave eye contact. I said, “hi”. Several men propositioned me! What the heck was I doing to get that response? I thought about it and realized they thought I was a hooker. Why? Because I was so friendly and in their minds that was the only explanation.
I toned it down and figured out how to live in a big city. I learned to walk faster. Now I live just outside NYC and can give “no contact” with the best of them, but still miss my days in Austin where everyone said “hi” to each other, smiled, and made eye contact. At least they did when I was young. Who knows what it’s like now?
i lived in NY for about 8 years and it is a problem in NY where people refuse to make eye contact. Or if you do make eye contact people wil just completely ignore you, although some might say its because we are New Yorkers and are mean and just rude people. However, i diagree i know for a fact that its not that we dont want to stop by and say hello its just ; A. we have no time and B. because we dont trust others, so we play it safe by not talking to strangers at all.
eye contact in in the busy parts of manila is also unpopular. I guess asians are generally this way (not all ofcourse). This is an interesting read. Nonverbal cues to keep in mind when in the busy city…
Very interesting post, and I’d echo liliriveddo’s comments, as a resident, London is extremely unfriendly, much more so than any other European city I’ve visited. But strangely enough this isn’t indicitive of England as a whole, cities in the north are generally a lot friendlier.
I feel so awkward when I make eye contact with someone. If it’s very much a necessary thing, I have to use all available power to do it. Even when I talk to people, I don’t make eye contact. It may come off as unfriendly, but I feel so threatened, I guess, when people do the eye contact thing with me. I don’t know. It’s weird.
I know exactly what you mean! I’m of mixed nationalities. In my mom’s country, everyone hugs, kisses and greets everyone hello on the streets. In my dad’s, it is considered improper to make eye contact with strangers of the opposite sex. It’s very frustrating because I feel the need to smile at people walking near me, ha ha.
What a pity! Today this is the main drawback of the advances in technology. If you travel by train nowadays you have people so focussed on their iphones and gadgets that they wouldn’t even spot a pregnant lady nearby (forget about making eye contact). Are we making advances in our culture or are we moving back to the age of primates?
I lived in a Middle East Country for a few years. Expat women were advised to avert their eyes whenever they passed any male, because making eye contact was considered flirtation.
Check out Lafayette just close to Bezerkeley – and check out places like Pleasanton, Dublin, San Ramon and Walnut Creek and Livermore IF you’d like to meet some people on the streets that are friendly and give eye contact.
I think part of the prob too in large cities is that it’s just easier to STAY in one’s world rather than venture out where the idea of a killer or rapist may make i contact with them – blame the news for those attitudes. That and that people don’t typically GIVE i contact and so one will stop trying at some point.
Great article – as I’ve found this to be true too – I came from Alaska and people are TONS more friendly there than most other places.
It’s disturbing, this thing- no eye contact. Would it kill if people just said hello. I think this thing should be weeded out from our socialization process. Children are always taught – don’t talk to strangers. And city breeding inculcates some more. It’s fear and i don’t get what would anyone get by keeping fear of the other person in his or her heart. We are all humans after all.
Sad, but true I guess. Take me to a small town.
Living in Minnesota all of my life, including now, I’m completely comfortable when I’m in downtown Minneapolis and someone is waiting for the same crosswalk starts talking about the miraculous lack of snow on the ground. Even if I don’t talk to people as I’m walking down the sidewalk, I still smile and nod.
The only exception is elevators. They are the most awkward places in the world.
I grew up in a small town (population 3,000) and now live in Toronto. While the small town friendliness is great, it also comes with small town gossip, everyone knowing your business, etc….I’ll take the seemingly “icy” city any day over that stuff. Off the sidewalk, city dwellers can be loving, warm, amazing human beings too.
I think it also depends on the culture. Sometimes men get the wrong idea and think that eye contact is a ‘come hither’ sign. Despite that, I do appreciate eye contact and greetings.
This is an excellent blog post! Way overdue! And SOOOO true that it might even offend us soft Californians that think we are polite beyond polite and nice beyond nice. We are not! We are rude and cold in public.
In rural Jamaica you have to greet everyone; stranger, friend, animal….it’s all love!
It’s funny how a few miles can make so much difference. I left London to live down by the sea in Kent (UK). People are a lot more willing to start a conversation down here.
Excellent post and quite agree with you – the smaller, the friendlier! Congrats on FP 🙂
Great thoughts. Excellent observation. Outlook and culture are so different from place to place. Really hard for visitors.
Must be fear. Great post!
I never knew this factoid, or shall I say..rule of the land. Of course, I live in a small town – the highest building is 5 floors. However, I have traveled a lot, Paris, London, Athens and the like. Been to SFO also. But can’t say I tried to look into anyone’s eyes.
There could be a few reasons for this:
1) I am a self absorbed moron
2) I am a wide eyed small girl in a big city and too blinded by awe to notice
3) a blond bimbo who mistook the stare downs as the actions of pod people and reacted by running towards the nearest subway.
I’m thinking..maybe all 3?
Great post. I’m going to remember it when I go to Seattle next week – try it out – see what happens.
Not fond of small towns, to be honest. That vaunted “politeness” and “warmth” generally is withdrawn in an instant when you reveal yourself to have deviated one millimeter from what they consider normal in any way at all. The eye contact then becomes a very clear sign that you’re not one of them, they know it, and they will never let you forget it.
Cities are infinitely nicer, and so are the people in them. Maybe on the sidewalk they are just trying to get from point A to point B, but in every other context that matters, they are friendlier, kinder, chattier, and much easier to live with.
There is a small town near where I live, a historic town full of character and lovely picturesque wineries that will keep a traveler entranced. However (more than once) I was given the stink eye when asked where I was from, and keep in mind my town isn’t much bigger. Oh well…the wine was worth it. 🙂
If you are cute, I’ll look at you!
I’m from a small town in Ky. Although alot of us know each other there is the occasion when even those of us who have grown up here don’t know someone, but I would like to think that we all try to be friendly.
As far as eye contact I think there are several reasons people genuinely avoid making eye contact with others. Don’t take me wrong or find me rude but sometimes looking another person in the eye is intimidating, sometimes disgusting, sometimes evasive and even at times just down right uncomfortable.
Years ago I looked everyone in the eye when I talked to them and became upset when they didn’t do the same. I felt as if they had something to hide from me or just didn’t think I was good enough to talk to them or vice-versa they thought they were too good to talk to me. I was a toucher as well which led to some very uncomfortable conversations that were not always followed by good results. Some people, like some have remarked here, just think you want them because you show a kind gesture. Although I definitely do not discourage someone showing kindness to others, I do however, wish some people would realize that there are people out there who are just genuinely friendly and never meet a stranger.
As far as the comment I made about it being intimidating when you make eye contact with someone, imagine if you will, that you are a busy mom who hasn’t had a chance to shower, do her hair, she is still in her pj’s and she has to get her kids to school. First off you are rushing and hoping no one sees you so making eye contact on that note is seriously intimidating because when you live in a small town or not people jump to their own conclusions about your appearance, plain and simple.
The disgusting part stems from those people who you do make eye contact with because you are being friendly and you feel you have just been undressed by them because they thought you were wanting them. I say get over yourself. Other times are when you are trying to be friendly and the next thing you know this person seems to be stalking you everywhere you go just because they think you are someone they want to hook up with or be friends with, sometimes people can be very disturbing.
I know I may be sounding like a person who only thinks the worst of people, I will assure I am by no means that way, I am simply drawing from personal experiences. I feel all people can be good and have good in them. I am very friendly and sometimes my over friendliness and willingness to help others gets twisted by others and portrayed as something that was never intended. To this day I catch myself standing and talking to a friend and realize I am not looking them in the eye because at times I feel intimidated by them, I feel insecure with myself, or I hope they won’t see what is going in my life by looking into my eyes.
Also, another note, I was watching the Nate Berkus show and he had a guest on that studies body language and her remarks toward eye contact was that only 60% was the normal acceptance because more than that can cause others to feel uncomfortable, their space invaded or that you might be studying them.
If in SF people just ignore you when you try to make eye contact, that *might* constitute “friendliness” by big city standards. I was advised the first time I went into NYC: “Don’t make eye contact, and don’t look around; just keep moving and keep on task. If you do that, you’re fine. If you don’t, you’ll eitehr pick up a weirdo or two following you around, or look like a tourist and get mugged.”
Lovely sentiment, huh?
Anyway, your post was really interesting. Congrats on “Freshly Pressed” status.
That’s very true. It’s polite to give someone their personal space, which is a precious thing when you are cheek by jowl with seven million people.
yes, that’s true. I’m from San Jose. i found that people are getting less and less having eye contact. neighbors in apartment seldom greet to each other… that’s really sad.
I can smile away in central London whilst daydreaming, but in the suburbs the opposite party takes it the wrong way and resorts to street harassment. And that, I’d like to avoid as there are more than enough of those kind of people without the eye-contact part.
Your post reminds me a lot of this of this powerful video:
Interesting. You may want to read (if you haven´t already) an article on an experiment meant to measure something like this in Washington D.C. rush hour. They used world renowned violinist Joshua Bell as bait and it was published by the Washington post.
It´s here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/04/AR2007040401721.html
Thanks, Roberto. I had seen that—it was a really interesting informal experiment, and pretty revealing, too. I’m sure I would have been one of the people walking past as well. I’ve certainly been guilty of walking quickly and keeping my head down when going to/from the train.
Nice observation.I have lived in San Francisco for more than 30 years. I have also noticed that people never make eye contact when they are cutting jumping in front of you as you try to enter BART, (our subway) grocery lines etc.
I grew up in NYC, lived in SoCal and now live in a town of 28,000 in upstate NY, surrounded by rural towns.
People avoid eye contact in big cities due to fear. Fear of appearing aggressive, fear of being asked for something, fear of seeming sexually interested, fear of seeming nosy and fear of being stared down or offending someone. Look up “mad-dogging”, if you don’t know about it already.
In cities people are on high alert and want to remain anonymous when they go about their daily routines. Where I live now I am much quicker to say ‘hello’ to people. I don’t really fear anyone here being angry or offended that I looked at them.
It’s a defense mechanism. The more people are around the more we do what we can to protect ourselves, no matter how friendly we are.
I noticed most people have moved from small town to big city. It was opposite for me. I moved from LA to a small rural town on the east coast.
This gave me a very interesting perspective. I’m a friendly person by nature, and not afraid to make eye contact, or say hello, or even give a little smile to a stranger. However, in moving to small town, it was really awkward (and still is, at times) when people you don’t know make eye contact or try to talk to you. There are some people I would rather not talk to, but in a small town you are kind of obligated to say something instead of simply pretending that you don’t notice.
I probably come across as rude more often than I realize as I give a brusque answer and quickly look away. Strange as it sounds, sometimes I felt more security in anonymity in LA than I do in small town (in that I could pick who I wanted to make eye contact with). I do LOVE small town for many reasons, but the “greeting everyone” trend has taken a while for me to get used to.
I think that any small town or big city has such a vast majority of friendly people, but in big cities, you have to be more obvious about your own friendliness in order to have some returned to you. I considered LA full of friendly people, but it probably had to do with me being willing to take the first step in eye contact and smiling, etc. In small town, the friendliness is definitely more obvious, but sometimes it’s also forced upon you.
Try going on the T in Boston!
I’m from the south and make eye contact all the time… not to mention people watch. But I’ve noticed when I go up north (NYC and DC) I get strange or no responses by doing this. Though I did have some strange crazy man start talking to me on the subway once in NYC and he was kind of creepy and made me nervous. So maybe that’s part of the aversion 🙂 Off topic – the funniest thing I saw in DC was this one woman had a squirrel approach her while she ate a sandwich on a bench and she completely freaked out over the squirrel! I thought that was insanely funny. Maybe those big city folks are just easily spooked 🙂 Though, I don’t think you’d find these problems in Houston or Dallas – both big cities.
I lived six years in NYC and if you didn’t keep your eyes to the pavement….everyone knew you were a tourist…
I lived in PA for six years and it’s easier to distinguish the schizophrenics just by the glances from across the street…
then I moved to Los Angeles..a whole nother world……
I don’t know in the north, but down here in Florida, I also see people who just ignore me when they walk by me. However, there are a few, and I think it is their culture (Southern) who will greet and smile, like they have known me all their lives. They even call me “sweetie” and “hon”. But most people don’t even recognize I am alive. Most people walk down the street as if the the city is empty. It is sad to live in a society where people literally ignore my presence simply because I am a stranger to them.
Wish humans to have more friendly, quite agree with you.
yes, that’s true. I’m from San Jose. i found that people are getting less and less having eye contact. neighbors in apartment seldom greet to each other… that’s really sad.
I find walking through crowded areas in Tokyo gives me a similar experience. Strolling through a less crowded park in Tokyo, however, is refreshingly different.
I prefer small town, where people act like people. Thanks for posting this, it was interesting. I’ve talked a bit with friends about this phenomenon and how we tend to accidentally embarrass ourselves on subways or in airports.
In South Carolina where I live, people are “Southern” Polite. They always say hello and make eye contact, but that doesn’t mean much. They may turn right around to one of their friends and say bless his heart he sure was ugly or something along those lines.
I prefer the big city mentality in terms of honest, straightforward thinking, but on a social level places like South Carolina are much more fun and friendly for sure!
I enjoyed reading this, thanks. Back here in Nigeria if you make eye contact with someone on the street you’ll get a stare right back at you – no smile included, lol. But we’re a friendly bunch in most parts.
Ladies and gentlemen, please do not watch these videos as they may contain harrowing images of people in subway carriages being forced to make eye contact against their will, as well as smiling and interacting and stuff like that.
Everything is OK on the New York Subway
Everything is OK on the Happy Carriage (London)
Everything is OK on the Toronto Subway
Who on earth are ‘The Love Police’?
Is everything OK? ……. YOU decide!
G’day, A very interesting subject. During the past 12 months I have travelled to the USA, Canada, China and New Zealand.
I live in a Rual City of some 1500 people in the Noerth East of Victoria, Australia. All of what has been said seems to apply no matter where you go.
The bigger the city the less chance of someone returning a greeting or even acknowledging your existance. In small towns the people seem to be much friendlier.
If you look around these cities you see people hurrying, hurrying, hurrying. The look on their faces set in a determined, non seeing look that seems to say,”get out of my way, can’t you see I’m busy”. And they are hurrying to work, school or to do the shopping. No time for small pleasantries like a smile or a “hello”, not even a grimace in return.
I do try to make the day a little more pleasant. I enjoy being alive, among people and making them smile. It is hard work at times though.
You see, I am 65 years old, have retired from work and now have the ablity to go where ever I like without hurrying. I see people, buildings, smog, parks and gardens and just wish that these city dwellers could get out into the countryside for a couple of days and leave the city behind.
Some people do get away, but they take their laptop, mobile phone, just so Ï can be contacted if needed.” They are still working. They have forgotten how to relax, have fun and enjoy themselves.
All I can suggest is to keep smiling and say “G’day” and be pleased when aknowledged, understand, when ignored and accept that you may be considered eccentric or a bit loopy.
This subject has been a most enjoyable read. Keep it up!
Could it also be possible that in a big City there are a lot of passers by? I mean, It’s not surprising if people wonder why you are saying ‘hi’ to them rather than the other 50 people within ‘greeting distance’.
More disturbing is that so few people actually talk to/greet their neighbors. It was 3 months before we heard that the lady we spoke to next door many times had died. No one saw the ambulance and no one knew anyone to ask. Sad.
From my upbringing, in a small town and on a rural farm, the biggest reason I understand that you make contact with stranger is so that you can get a good idea of what that person’s intensions in your area are. If a stranger shows up in a small town, everyone who lives there wonders what theie business is in town. In a big city, many times you may not be sure if that is someone who does not belong or if they are just a new member of the neighborhood. Also, I have found, if you avoid eye contact, you run less of a risk of being confronted or noticed as a target, you remain somewhat invisible to the stranger. I am a smile and helloer, however. If you see me just walking around town, I will speak to anyone I see if they notice me. And I speak to some who do not. If I am downtown in the city though, I do not speak to everyone going by, although I do look and smile if I am not talking with someone or if everyone seems to be hurrying. That’s just my personality….I like to share my happiness with smiles. I never cared if people thin k I am weird, they have thought that most of my life, I just keep bein’ me!
very nice thanks to share that
No time to read thru the 100+ comments to see if anyone else from NYC commented, but if making eye contact is your thing you should definitely visit here. New Yorkers constantly check one another out, in a sort of “I’m blatantly judging you” kind of way.
Great post.
Cheers.
A parallel from my experience — 25 years ago I lived in southeastern New Mexico. Driving the rural highways in a place that has lots of open land and very few people, it was common practice to wave at other drivers you encountered. Nothing much, just lifting one hand off the steering wheel by a few inches. As people have commented about the eye contact thing, I think scarcity was a huge factor. It’s impossible to wave at every other driver in a city. But when you only come across another car every 4 or 5 minutes, it just feels natural to acknowledge them.
Great post! Things like eye contact and friendly gestures between strangers in Metropolitan cities is an indicator of the culture of that place. It really lightens up your mood if you get a smile from a person you just made eye contact with.
I live in New Delhi, one of the most populated cities in the world, and the number of times I have exchanged friendly gestures with a stranger is definitely less than my age, which is 22. And its usually “every man for himself”, and “stay out of my way” attitude with Delhi folk, but at least I try to stay a bit more gentle.
Totally saw a guy coming toward me on one side of a sidewalk here in Eugene, look at the direction I was going, and then, as soon as I made eye-contact, looked away and crossed in front of me as if I wasn’t there at all. Definitely not feeling the “Eugene-friendliness.”
Another moment of someone’s lack of eye contact was last night when I was walking home. There was a girl going the opposite way, listening to her iPod, and was so focused on what song she wanted to hear that she nearly ran into me because she never saw me coming. It seems to me that as a society (in general) we’re becoming less inclined to acknowledge someone else; we’re only concerned with what’s going on in our world and when eye-contact is made, it’s more of a defense mechanism, not a friendly greeting.
Kind of really sad if you think about growing populations. We’re running out of space between us; we’d be wise to get friendly now so it’s not so awkward or uncomfortable down the road.
My first thought with that study would be that, especially if the people were parked outside public buildings with no obvious reason for being there, people would be wary of talking to them for fear that they’d then be asked for money or time. I’ve lived in a lot of different places, both big cities and small towns, and depending on the neighborhood and the size of the place, you don’t talk to people because the ones who want to talk to you usually want to scam you out of something or beg you for a handout. In my last town, which was in a fairly small-town rural area of N. California, there were college students on many street corners, pretending to be homeless and begging for change… I never really hesitated to talk to strangers either way because I’m good at saying “No sorry, I don’t have any money,” but I can see why people would just avoid the situation altogether. But I also found that people in Los Angeles were often quite friendly, depending on what part of the city you were in (because it’s really kind of like a hundred different cities all crammed together :D). My roommate and I used to stop for a chat with the homeless people along the beach in Santa Monica. I do think in SF or NY I’d definitely stick out as a tourist, though, for my willingness to look at people. 😀
I agree somewhat with what you are saying. Having been to New York for FLEET WEEK twice- and seeing everyone there in Times Square.
Thinking about it from a local’s point of view…Big cities have a lot of agressive people shoved into a small place… so maybe they are tired of seeing strange and weird people on their way home… day after day. Kind of like working at Disney Land with tourists and the like….
Just a thought….intersting topic, will subscribe to ya..
charlie
I would agree with that too. I come from a big city in India, currently studying in Canada. I never used to greet or smile to strangers back home whereas here I do that quite often.
Persons “parked” outside a location in an urban setting equals solicitation and would contribute to this avoidance issue. Don’t bother me or ask me for any money or to sign your petition! (Since these are the typical reasons persons stand outside a location for hours at a time…)
I live in Vancouver and I used to live on Commercial Drive in Vancouver. I found “the Drive” to be a friendly place and it had the feeling of a smaller community. It wasn’t the kind of place where you said hello to everyone, but you’d start to acknowledge the familiar faces after a time. After living there for a time I started to find that it would take me half an hour to get to the grocery store 5 blocks away.
Any eye contact or verbal communication is an invitation to the possibility of further interaction and getting out of conversations constantly as you are trying to get somewhere is tiring. Best not to start them (or risk them).
If people in crowded cities acknowledged one another all the time it would be overwhelming and no-one would get anywhere. It’s one of the reasons that many people would rather be stuck in traffic in their cars rather than trying to walk through a crowd.
On the other hand, you can go to a crowded club and find plenty of eye contact and conversations but those people are there for that. They aren’t trying to get somewhere else.
What about local population density, varying among circumstances within cities? I’m a white woman living in >95% black middle class neighborhood in Chicago. In the neighborhoods here and all over town, making eye contact with a neighborly “Good morning” or simple nod of the head, soon enough for brief mutual acknowledgment without breaking stride, has never in my 45+ years here seemed to be interpreted as anything other than a simple, positive, uncomplicated gesture. Same on a nearly empty bus or El car. But it gets reduced to a nod, if that, in more crowded spaces such as full buses, El cars, and elevators, and nothing at all on lonely train platforms.